sing a silly song, smile from ear to ear
bite into the ice, melt it all away
when will i ever hear you say my name again
scars they live to remind you
when where and how’s in life
well you’re my deepest scar so tell of the stories we made
did you know every time that our lips collided
you took a piece of my heart that made me fall in your arms so deep
cooling as the sun on a winter’s day
we drink to all we have and drift away from here
when will i ever hear you say my name again
scars they live to remind you
when where and how’s in life
well you’re my deepest scar so tell of the stories we made
a hand print for every step we took
you took a piece of my soul that made me tumble and fall into an open sky so high
forever as the sun and constant as the moon
we breath to live again and laugh it all away
when will i ever hear you say my name again
scars they live to remind you
when where and how’s in life
well you’re my deepest scar so tell of the stories we made
so tell of the stories we made
so tell of the stories we made
it’s a funny thing how our memories work… i just finished watching a chinese drama… although it was a happy ending… i couldn’t help but cry… there was a scene near the end where the girl saw in a photo magazine a picture of her resting her head on the boy’s shoulders sharing a ipod headset together… it reminded me of our flight back to HK… when i was sharing your headset, resting on your shoulders while watching and drooling over keanu reeves and his awesome plaid shirt in Speed…
it’s somewhat refreshing when there’s someone that knows your favorite color, that buys u candy, and carries around ure mango cookies each time you go out (even when you forget to have one)… it’s refreshing to know that what you’ve said or done or didn’t do is on someone’s mind… although not explicitly expressed it’s still refreshing… it’s refreshing when something like this happens when you least expect it…
I don’t know how to process my emotions. I should be crying right now. I should be feeling something. I’m not sure if i am too shocked from the news that my grandma just passed away or if I am trying to be the strong one in the family, trying to be the strong one for my mom. But my mom isn’t really talking about it either as there are other issues going on… relating to my grandma’s death, relating to my mom’s side of the family… Some things it’s not in my place to give too much opinion or advice and requires the adults to deal with one another… This worries me…
I feel guilty for not spending more time with my grandma when she was living here in vancouver (before she moved back to TO – she moved back close to 10 years awhile already.) I don’t know too much about her, how she was like, or heard much stories about her younger days… My por por was always more reserved and seemed to be quite quiet. A lot of the times i remember that we would want to take her out for lunch and she would always say she was tired or just wanted to stay in… I wish I was there more and listened more to her. I can’t remember really any specifics of our time together, of what we’ve done or said… I know i wasn’t too close to my por por unlike with my ma ma / ye ye. but I remember when she did stay with us she taught me how to knit and she braided my hair ( I remembered I really liked it cause it was those French braids ). but aside from that i don’t remember much …
But isn’t that always the case when the person is there often times you take things for granted, you assume that they will always be there, that there is always tomorrow… but anything can happen. There may not be a tomorrow. We may close our eyes and be at the gates of heaven the next moment…
I feel so awkward… I feel like I need to talk to someone about this, but I don’t at the same time. It also reminds me of when my grandpa passed away a few years back… I still really miss my ye ye. He really adored me. I remember everytime I was in HK to visit he would make my favorite dishes and poke fun at / with me. I remember a time when I was really young when he came to visit and he played Lego with me and he shares stories of japan and gave me a few Japanese yens. I remember when he came to visit with auntie 4.
I just pray that God will rest their soul in heaven… and comfort our family… give everyone strength and the emotional capacity…
what can I say. I am quite good with dates. I remember people’s bdays, important events, anniversaries… I remember 6 month ago today our friendship / relationship hit the wall. it just couldn’t survive. although I am still quite saddened by it, I know there is nothing more that I could’ve done to make things any better. and there is nothing more to add to it. if and when and if ever our friendship could mend will be up to God, if he feels it is part of his plan, if my heart is strong enough. I believe I’ve stopped asking why. accepting is the first step in moving on. I think it is time. I will try not to tear over this anymore. but u will never know. and I don’t want to care anymore.
according to a few friends they suspect this guy friend I recently just met is interested in me. supposedly the things he’s been doing shows signs of interest. really? I think I’m so blind in seeing these things! I honestly haven’t noticed any ’strange’ behaviour and don’t think I’ve been passing on any signals but then again I can be overly friendly unintentionally. so anyways today after church the guy gave me a Xmas present! all wrapped up nicely with a cute lil Xmas card. Hmmm I haven’t opened it yet. im suppose to wait till Xmas. I’m surprised I able to hold the suspension. what could it possibly be?! now am I reading into this too much?
i do it to make myself feel good and making my family / friends happy makes me happy. i want to laugh. i want to giggle… i want to rediscover me. i call it how i see it. i don’t sugar coat anything anymore… not really … part of me stopped caring / feeling that way. cynical / sarcastic? why yes. why effing not?!
i don’t want to think about it. i don’t want to talk about it.
if you ask i may or may not want to indulge you on the progress… depending on my mood. talking about it makes me feel like shit. but thinking about it also makes me feel like shit. yet again, not acknowledging it also makes me feel like shit. it is definately a survival of the fittest and i guess we were quite out of shape to say the least.
thanks my BBF for asking. thanks for bringing it up again… awesome. u so totally rock.
… ha ha ha [insert sarcastic laugh]
i do appreciate the ‘checking up on me’… i really do.
Hope this is only a phasing pass but lately I feel like I’ve been having a spiritual struggle. Pastor J warned me of this that some people face after they are newly baptized; either they had high expectation to feel a spiritual high or that because now that you r taking a stand on God’s side that the opposing force will try harder to take you down. I need to stay stronger and seek guidance more. I trust that this is only a passing phase.
